Salutations, I write in good faith and in the spirit of repentance. Not to dwell on sins of years gone by so as to drown my soul in sorrow, but to recall in what vices I took pleasure in, and the great pains I went through to get out, by the saving hand of the Lord, who reigns as one God, now and forever. If you read this I hope it be some source of comfort and hope in what saving things can be done in your life. I write of others not to cast them aside nor judge, but only to portray events as best I remember to portray the way in which they effected me, in some cases how God used them to get through to me, or hopes that have remained for them with good intent.
I drew dagger upon myself, thrusting it into my own chest, both hands firmly clasping the handle. I did it drawing strength upon what I thought to be love. It wasn't until the object of my affection placed her hands upon my own, offering to help me finish my suicide that I resisted. Not until then did I look down upon the blade, to see what destruction I had wrought upon myself. It wasn't until then, God, that you used her to show me that I was bleeding. And so you taught me guilt.
For until then I was a wretch. I lavishly bathed in my vice. Feeding a hunger without bounds, with no regard to spiritual food. But upon turning my eye inward, I read the inscription upon the blade, Lust. And at once I became aware of my wound, aware of my ignorance to you, and a great pain fell upon me unlike anything I had ever known.
I yearned to be stronger, and struggled day and night to remove the desire from me. But my body ached and writhed with disease, it yearned for affliction, self-mutilation. But time and time again I failed, sometimes moments after an hour long guilt spell. Yet I tried by my own strength, determined my will would choose reason over appetites. A fool I was, to believe I might command a will so mighty, a will that doesn't overstretch the boundary of reason. My heart cried out to have a will that matched the intellect like yours Lord. I wanted more than anything to be good. This didn't necessitate anything more than a proper education in my mind at that time. And I saw not the contradiction in placing you Lord as the ultimate Good of which I wanted, yet also believing that to do good is what I ultimately wanted. And while I learned much in form of argumentation, my mind ever growing, my soul as a whole was dying, for I did not let my intellect to champion the brute that flesh can be. I abandoned the Church, and so found myself falling further from you.
I took pride in my ability to refute any argument I heard using Scriptural premises, introducing doubt and skepticism into the formation. Even worse, at times I was a sophist, arguing validly against their own argument, but knowing of an argument that would refute my own. I knew what was right from an argument I had quietly produced within my own mind, but because someone else could not produce it to me, I ignored it. I acted by what others could persuade me of, and kept truth locked up.
But the object of my affection loosed her hands when she saw how I writhed in pain. At first she was determined to help me finish the impalement, regardless of my squirming. But when it was clear I would not give in to death, she removed her hands from hilt, and even came to tell me not to give in to my own self-inflicted decimation when she saw the desire to coming upon me. I however, proud of my intelligence, continued to believe my will would prevail. And so there came to be a game whereby sometimes I pushed the dagger back in and she would pull it out, other times she pushed it in, and I was screaming to remove it. At last, I reckoned falsely that our affection for one another was based solely on this sick game, so I withdrew altogether, in order to work out my lust before myself with God as my benefactor and witness.
My parents, God bless them, whose biggest problem in youth was money, came to see it as the chief way to give my brother and I what we needed. It is not the money they see is all powerful, merely a means to many good things. What irony, in that both left the Church at such a young age only to raise a son who received everything he "needed" and wanted, only to be left hollow. I love them both dearly, and without their backbreaking efforts working, I would not have had some instruction in Biblical writings at such a young age, nor known my great mentors and friends, philosophy would not have taught me of love and God, and I cannot imagine what I would be now. If only they could see how God used them to shape me, they might realize God is already in their lives, calling vehemently to them. But I pray for them without ceasing, that I might articulate that the Church is not an edifice, nor is it a secular social club, it is not a place of self-help, it is not a do-gooders organization. How I wish I could dispel all the myths they have about the Church, that I might with but a few words explain to them what it is you have given me. For faith without works is dead, and deeds without faith is empty. And faith is only worked out in community, for alone we miss things and our limited intellect cripples our reason. Alone we would have no Scripture and your promises are made to communities. So whereby the promise is made to community, so too will the fulfillment come to community. And as every good community has well educated and intentional citizens, so too does the Church have such individual believers, but outside the Church the individual becomes the one lost sheep. And when the sheep lays down where it deems comfortable, ignoring shepherd and herd, what can be done other than to wait with patience, for the shepherd does not give up searching until he returns with the one back to the ninety-nine.
So I am left with begging and groveling, and hope by supplication that you will work in them wherever they are, through the things they have done or known, to make them desire to know You more. How do you explain to a blind man the magnificence of color? How do you express the joy of love to one who has never loved? We cannot. So we rest in good faith that you will search our hearts, for they lay open and known to you alone in fullness, and we hope that you will respond to the honesty of prayerful tears.
And for my brother, he finds his way into all my prayers, his name always spoken out loud during the prayers of the people. He is open to you Lord, but I sense much fear in him. It is a fear of where he will be though, how he will do. I pray always that you will use someone to show him the proper object of fear is you Lord, so that he might take a first step out of the wilderness and towards wisdom. But such fear does not look like the fear which haunts him so. It hurts me to see him infected with it. I know its song well, for when I was eighteen to nineteen it kept me paralyzed, and it was only by your unseen hand that I ended up where I needed to be. I know not where he is now, but I admit at the time I thought I was everywhere other than where I needed to be, so too he might be where you best place him. If I can be counted upon the righteous Lord, if even for a minute, by whatever deeds through faith might be looked upon as good, please let them grant me this prayer, that you will pull him into Truth.
It was through finding another attractive nuisance that I came to conquer my weakness, for through another I was able to see the damage that I did to myself, of the disgraces I committed, and grew to loathe lust. I would not give its fanciful thoughts a minute of the day, for they were to me immediately repulsive and damaging to myself and to the Body. And as I found myself in the Church once again I had others which might hoist me up, and help bear my burden when I was weary, through prayer giving to me one that was lighter and given freely. And although I found them in certain things to be lacking in wisdom, they most certainly had a will turned towards whatever they believed to be of you God. In them I learned my will was not and never would have the necessary strength to overcome my sickness. So I let go of the burden, placed it in the recesses of my mind, and dawned a new yoke, taking only to focus on it. And in time my own yoke was removed altogether, and I was allowed to stay with the lighter one. So my life knew a joy if but for a while.
Alas, the object of my affection wanted nothing of me. For I believed if one could come to show affection for me when I was with so much vice, then surely without it I would have more to offer. And that in coming closer to God, that all things would be as I so desired, as my desires had come to be for what I saw as a beauty in righteousness as God made them to be. So I stood shocked; God had pulled the blade out, my will accepting by motivation of one who helped me, the blind, to see. Now that I saw with such clarity, and began learning to walk again, I was left to wander alone. And though my heart remained for you, it did not cease to break in some ways and cause me great daily pains. I again was faced with my natural inclination to live with you, and avoid my fellow man.
Looking back on such manners, you have been ever generous in the gifts you have given me. I can think of no instance where I have not been afforded the opportunity to date every attractive nuisance I've laid eyes upon. In my earlier days, due to shyness, I never learned that it was a possibility until too much time had passed and I had not acted. And later, when I grew into some confidence and with patience I managed to date anyone that I wished if I remained patient. I don't tell you this lord to boast of some quality I believe myself to have. Rather I thank you for whatever it is, for I know by myself I am full of vice and qualities which are unattractive to say the least. I know not why this has been the case, and in my youth I prayed to you solely to get out of trouble and to help me get some girl I desired. I don't believe you made these things happen, but by some gift you have given me the ability to make the situations possible.
And how I abused them so. I lusted like creature. After I was done I would not speak to them, for their face became the face of my shame. To look upon them was to look within my own soul. The horror I saw inside was too much for me, so I cast them aside as if to run from myself. There was of course the one exception to this prior to my battle with all this, the one who gripped the handle with me. I purged myself of such evil lusts, found an angel, and thought myself on cloud nine. But just as I returned from a venture I returned to discover I was not good enough for her. There was nothing seen in me as beauty. So I rushed away and filled my life with study, for every moment I spent not reading was a moment with myself. And in those moments I couldn't bare my own mind. I wished it void. But as I cannot do this, I sought to overfill it with other things, until at last she might spill over and be forgotten.
You cradled me back to health though God. Despite my steadfast attempts to shut myself off to the world you would not let me. You put people in my life that dragged me along to things in which I could express my true thoughts without reserve and know I was safe. We enjoyed the company of one another and I thank you for them, and pray you use me for whatever they need too. Allow me to bear their burden in whatever way might be proper.
And as always I fell for some new attractive nuisance, pleased by exchange of witty banter and cuteness. So I for the first time in my life, defined a date as getting to know someone rather than a sure thing. And in doing so hurt another. For while through experience and wisdom you have given me, I have become entirely blunt and honest in such ordeals, and openly laid my cards on the table in a calm manner, as if I was speaking about the weather. And it was in this that some conflict arose concerning our "hands" which forbid me to pursue. And though I ask, "Why must I always submit Lord? Can't I have some leeway this time?" you know I am a jester at heart, and though I find my leash doesn't allow to go to all places and do all things, I still believe it constrains me to what is for my own good. Still, I find myself flirtatious, and though I know I ought stop, I have a difficult time doing so, for possibility has always been my cruel mistress. And if 'women' are the one bit of knowledge I hold to by empirical means, then so I find myself acting in a way consistent with such a belief. But alas, it is entirely possible now, but not with a matter of definition and right conscience and word towards belief in definition. For this matter I remain vague for it has yet to be resolved in its entirety in my mind, though I have acted in a way contrary to this.
And yet I receive messages from the past, which kindles a painful flame within me, eating my insides by viral memory, multiplying and replicating till I must shake my conscious violently to rid it of the sickness. For what would not spill over is mixed with what newness has been placed in, and the concoction makes me morally reprehensible to myself.
And secretly I wonder about celibacy. It is something entirely fearful to me. And all agree it is something you are called to. Discerning this is my difficulty. For some say in a most absurd fashion that it is discerned by what you feel. But there have been many a man set aside his hopes of a wife to serve you and found his life altogether rewarding and righteous. Others seek to make it a discipline required by all who seek the priesthood. I know I desire such things greatly, and my fear is sign of not wanting to admit possibility, for fear of actuality.
But for where I am at. I do not know what to do when my flirtatious nature rears up, unbeknownst to me until halfway through a conversation. What proper use is there for such things? I am not a charming man in and of itself. I am not an eloquent craftsman of speeches whom people love to listen to. Men and women and child don't gather around to hear my stories. But sometimes I have a certain behavior that attempts to charm those of the opposite sex and it likes to turn itself on when I'm not vigil.
Though I can say I desire marriage, desire is not enough to discern, nor make any claim that is said to be wise. For I do not seek a happiness that I define by my own desire then attribute to you, or search out Scripture to justify it. Rather I study and submit to the nobility of the words which you placed onto the oracles' tongues. And in doing so my beliefs about the world, nature, politics, relations, arts, ethics, and so forth change rapidly, but I do not falter or flutter like a flag in the wind. I rather stand strong on a rock, from which the waters of life spew forth, and I am quick to drink what newness they have to offer me, though they all be from what is unmoving. And so I experience stability and rejuvenation simultaneously.
There was a time when I did not. A time when I rested on assumption unknown to me, so I believed myself an educated and brilliant man, for I made no such concessions to things without proper justification. I was like a child observing a puppet show. I enjoyed the play and the characters, unable to see the strings, the sources by which the puppets stood and performed their dance and song. And though you remained in my mind as one such source, I had put you aside under a different cause of things than those that I dealt with in politics and philosophy. You were within those realms a wild card, to be brought in case of emergency, in case I was losing an argument and quickly needed a red herring. I used your name in ways unbecoming to what is due to you God. For that I am ever regretful, having treated you in such a way, as a means to an end, for some argument, more often than not fallacious in my youth, on some petty issue.
And of your name I did many other horrible things. For in my youth I was keen to lie to avoid the belt. Anything to avoid punishment for my misdeeds. I wanted nothing more than to do as I please and get away with my hide. If I could do so by trick turn of word, the more I reveled in my cleverness after having gotten away. But the oath was a strange twist of nobleness and corruption with me. I would lie often unless I began a statement with "I promise" or "I swear" because I was not about to let my yes be yes and my no be no when there were things to be had otherwise. And it was horrible that such qualifiers were needed for me to be honest, for I was not a lover of Truth at that time, though shoots were apparently sprouting. This promising signified a respect and honor for Truth which then I would not be able to explain. It was in dire moments when others did not believe my promises that I would swear by your name, as if on pains of death that I spoke not falsely. By the same strange twist, in one sense it showed a disrespect and looseness with your name, and by another an acknowledgment of you as somehow connected to Truth and life.
I must resign for now if I am to have any energy for the work that is required of me tomorrow. It is also the feast day of your beloved Apostle Luke, the Evangelist. The Church will no doubt be rejoicing what wonders and goodness you worked through him in life and after through his writings. And morning prayer is a great good in my life, though the time is not. There is much more to be said, that can be said, and some of this I have already laid before you and asked forgiveness, but I know through my baptism in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost that I have been forgiven of them all, spoken or not, for I have had a turning of a new conscience towards you, and so have categorically dismissed all that is proper to the name sin. Still, I feel closer to you, and believe there is more instruction and good to be had in deliberating on what those things are, so that I might become more astounded by what I have been forgiven of, and be more amazed at how far I have fled from my wanton ways, guided by you through the wilderness. For just as Christ was baptized and immediately tossed into the wilderness, where he was both ministered to and tempted, so have I been.
May the Peace of the Lord Be with You,
Gregory Blake
I drew dagger upon myself, thrusting it into my own chest, both hands firmly clasping the handle. I did it drawing strength upon what I thought to be love. It wasn't until the object of my affection placed her hands upon my own, offering to help me finish my suicide that I resisted. Not until then did I look down upon the blade, to see what destruction I had wrought upon myself. It wasn't until then, God, that you used her to show me that I was bleeding. And so you taught me guilt.
For until then I was a wretch. I lavishly bathed in my vice. Feeding a hunger without bounds, with no regard to spiritual food. But upon turning my eye inward, I read the inscription upon the blade, Lust. And at once I became aware of my wound, aware of my ignorance to you, and a great pain fell upon me unlike anything I had ever known.
I yearned to be stronger, and struggled day and night to remove the desire from me. But my body ached and writhed with disease, it yearned for affliction, self-mutilation. But time and time again I failed, sometimes moments after an hour long guilt spell. Yet I tried by my own strength, determined my will would choose reason over appetites. A fool I was, to believe I might command a will so mighty, a will that doesn't overstretch the boundary of reason. My heart cried out to have a will that matched the intellect like yours Lord. I wanted more than anything to be good. This didn't necessitate anything more than a proper education in my mind at that time. And I saw not the contradiction in placing you Lord as the ultimate Good of which I wanted, yet also believing that to do good is what I ultimately wanted. And while I learned much in form of argumentation, my mind ever growing, my soul as a whole was dying, for I did not let my intellect to champion the brute that flesh can be. I abandoned the Church, and so found myself falling further from you.
I took pride in my ability to refute any argument I heard using Scriptural premises, introducing doubt and skepticism into the formation. Even worse, at times I was a sophist, arguing validly against their own argument, but knowing of an argument that would refute my own. I knew what was right from an argument I had quietly produced within my own mind, but because someone else could not produce it to me, I ignored it. I acted by what others could persuade me of, and kept truth locked up.
But the object of my affection loosed her hands when she saw how I writhed in pain. At first she was determined to help me finish the impalement, regardless of my squirming. But when it was clear I would not give in to death, she removed her hands from hilt, and even came to tell me not to give in to my own self-inflicted decimation when she saw the desire to coming upon me. I however, proud of my intelligence, continued to believe my will would prevail. And so there came to be a game whereby sometimes I pushed the dagger back in and she would pull it out, other times she pushed it in, and I was screaming to remove it. At last, I reckoned falsely that our affection for one another was based solely on this sick game, so I withdrew altogether, in order to work out my lust before myself with God as my benefactor and witness.
My parents, God bless them, whose biggest problem in youth was money, came to see it as the chief way to give my brother and I what we needed. It is not the money they see is all powerful, merely a means to many good things. What irony, in that both left the Church at such a young age only to raise a son who received everything he "needed" and wanted, only to be left hollow. I love them both dearly, and without their backbreaking efforts working, I would not have had some instruction in Biblical writings at such a young age, nor known my great mentors and friends, philosophy would not have taught me of love and God, and I cannot imagine what I would be now. If only they could see how God used them to shape me, they might realize God is already in their lives, calling vehemently to them. But I pray for them without ceasing, that I might articulate that the Church is not an edifice, nor is it a secular social club, it is not a place of self-help, it is not a do-gooders organization. How I wish I could dispel all the myths they have about the Church, that I might with but a few words explain to them what it is you have given me. For faith without works is dead, and deeds without faith is empty. And faith is only worked out in community, for alone we miss things and our limited intellect cripples our reason. Alone we would have no Scripture and your promises are made to communities. So whereby the promise is made to community, so too will the fulfillment come to community. And as every good community has well educated and intentional citizens, so too does the Church have such individual believers, but outside the Church the individual becomes the one lost sheep. And when the sheep lays down where it deems comfortable, ignoring shepherd and herd, what can be done other than to wait with patience, for the shepherd does not give up searching until he returns with the one back to the ninety-nine.
So I am left with begging and groveling, and hope by supplication that you will work in them wherever they are, through the things they have done or known, to make them desire to know You more. How do you explain to a blind man the magnificence of color? How do you express the joy of love to one who has never loved? We cannot. So we rest in good faith that you will search our hearts, for they lay open and known to you alone in fullness, and we hope that you will respond to the honesty of prayerful tears.
And for my brother, he finds his way into all my prayers, his name always spoken out loud during the prayers of the people. He is open to you Lord, but I sense much fear in him. It is a fear of where he will be though, how he will do. I pray always that you will use someone to show him the proper object of fear is you Lord, so that he might take a first step out of the wilderness and towards wisdom. But such fear does not look like the fear which haunts him so. It hurts me to see him infected with it. I know its song well, for when I was eighteen to nineteen it kept me paralyzed, and it was only by your unseen hand that I ended up where I needed to be. I know not where he is now, but I admit at the time I thought I was everywhere other than where I needed to be, so too he might be where you best place him. If I can be counted upon the righteous Lord, if even for a minute, by whatever deeds through faith might be looked upon as good, please let them grant me this prayer, that you will pull him into Truth.
It was through finding another attractive nuisance that I came to conquer my weakness, for through another I was able to see the damage that I did to myself, of the disgraces I committed, and grew to loathe lust. I would not give its fanciful thoughts a minute of the day, for they were to me immediately repulsive and damaging to myself and to the Body. And as I found myself in the Church once again I had others which might hoist me up, and help bear my burden when I was weary, through prayer giving to me one that was lighter and given freely. And although I found them in certain things to be lacking in wisdom, they most certainly had a will turned towards whatever they believed to be of you God. In them I learned my will was not and never would have the necessary strength to overcome my sickness. So I let go of the burden, placed it in the recesses of my mind, and dawned a new yoke, taking only to focus on it. And in time my own yoke was removed altogether, and I was allowed to stay with the lighter one. So my life knew a joy if but for a while.
Alas, the object of my affection wanted nothing of me. For I believed if one could come to show affection for me when I was with so much vice, then surely without it I would have more to offer. And that in coming closer to God, that all things would be as I so desired, as my desires had come to be for what I saw as a beauty in righteousness as God made them to be. So I stood shocked; God had pulled the blade out, my will accepting by motivation of one who helped me, the blind, to see. Now that I saw with such clarity, and began learning to walk again, I was left to wander alone. And though my heart remained for you, it did not cease to break in some ways and cause me great daily pains. I again was faced with my natural inclination to live with you, and avoid my fellow man.
Looking back on such manners, you have been ever generous in the gifts you have given me. I can think of no instance where I have not been afforded the opportunity to date every attractive nuisance I've laid eyes upon. In my earlier days, due to shyness, I never learned that it was a possibility until too much time had passed and I had not acted. And later, when I grew into some confidence and with patience I managed to date anyone that I wished if I remained patient. I don't tell you this lord to boast of some quality I believe myself to have. Rather I thank you for whatever it is, for I know by myself I am full of vice and qualities which are unattractive to say the least. I know not why this has been the case, and in my youth I prayed to you solely to get out of trouble and to help me get some girl I desired. I don't believe you made these things happen, but by some gift you have given me the ability to make the situations possible.
And how I abused them so. I lusted like creature. After I was done I would not speak to them, for their face became the face of my shame. To look upon them was to look within my own soul. The horror I saw inside was too much for me, so I cast them aside as if to run from myself. There was of course the one exception to this prior to my battle with all this, the one who gripped the handle with me. I purged myself of such evil lusts, found an angel, and thought myself on cloud nine. But just as I returned from a venture I returned to discover I was not good enough for her. There was nothing seen in me as beauty. So I rushed away and filled my life with study, for every moment I spent not reading was a moment with myself. And in those moments I couldn't bare my own mind. I wished it void. But as I cannot do this, I sought to overfill it with other things, until at last she might spill over and be forgotten.
You cradled me back to health though God. Despite my steadfast attempts to shut myself off to the world you would not let me. You put people in my life that dragged me along to things in which I could express my true thoughts without reserve and know I was safe. We enjoyed the company of one another and I thank you for them, and pray you use me for whatever they need too. Allow me to bear their burden in whatever way might be proper.
And as always I fell for some new attractive nuisance, pleased by exchange of witty banter and cuteness. So I for the first time in my life, defined a date as getting to know someone rather than a sure thing. And in doing so hurt another. For while through experience and wisdom you have given me, I have become entirely blunt and honest in such ordeals, and openly laid my cards on the table in a calm manner, as if I was speaking about the weather. And it was in this that some conflict arose concerning our "hands" which forbid me to pursue. And though I ask, "Why must I always submit Lord? Can't I have some leeway this time?" you know I am a jester at heart, and though I find my leash doesn't allow to go to all places and do all things, I still believe it constrains me to what is for my own good. Still, I find myself flirtatious, and though I know I ought stop, I have a difficult time doing so, for possibility has always been my cruel mistress. And if 'women' are the one bit of knowledge I hold to by empirical means, then so I find myself acting in a way consistent with such a belief. But alas, it is entirely possible now, but not with a matter of definition and right conscience and word towards belief in definition. For this matter I remain vague for it has yet to be resolved in its entirety in my mind, though I have acted in a way contrary to this.
And yet I receive messages from the past, which kindles a painful flame within me, eating my insides by viral memory, multiplying and replicating till I must shake my conscious violently to rid it of the sickness. For what would not spill over is mixed with what newness has been placed in, and the concoction makes me morally reprehensible to myself.
And secretly I wonder about celibacy. It is something entirely fearful to me. And all agree it is something you are called to. Discerning this is my difficulty. For some say in a most absurd fashion that it is discerned by what you feel. But there have been many a man set aside his hopes of a wife to serve you and found his life altogether rewarding and righteous. Others seek to make it a discipline required by all who seek the priesthood. I know I desire such things greatly, and my fear is sign of not wanting to admit possibility, for fear of actuality.
But for where I am at. I do not know what to do when my flirtatious nature rears up, unbeknownst to me until halfway through a conversation. What proper use is there for such things? I am not a charming man in and of itself. I am not an eloquent craftsman of speeches whom people love to listen to. Men and women and child don't gather around to hear my stories. But sometimes I have a certain behavior that attempts to charm those of the opposite sex and it likes to turn itself on when I'm not vigil.
Though I can say I desire marriage, desire is not enough to discern, nor make any claim that is said to be wise. For I do not seek a happiness that I define by my own desire then attribute to you, or search out Scripture to justify it. Rather I study and submit to the nobility of the words which you placed onto the oracles' tongues. And in doing so my beliefs about the world, nature, politics, relations, arts, ethics, and so forth change rapidly, but I do not falter or flutter like a flag in the wind. I rather stand strong on a rock, from which the waters of life spew forth, and I am quick to drink what newness they have to offer me, though they all be from what is unmoving. And so I experience stability and rejuvenation simultaneously.
There was a time when I did not. A time when I rested on assumption unknown to me, so I believed myself an educated and brilliant man, for I made no such concessions to things without proper justification. I was like a child observing a puppet show. I enjoyed the play and the characters, unable to see the strings, the sources by which the puppets stood and performed their dance and song. And though you remained in my mind as one such source, I had put you aside under a different cause of things than those that I dealt with in politics and philosophy. You were within those realms a wild card, to be brought in case of emergency, in case I was losing an argument and quickly needed a red herring. I used your name in ways unbecoming to what is due to you God. For that I am ever regretful, having treated you in such a way, as a means to an end, for some argument, more often than not fallacious in my youth, on some petty issue.
And of your name I did many other horrible things. For in my youth I was keen to lie to avoid the belt. Anything to avoid punishment for my misdeeds. I wanted nothing more than to do as I please and get away with my hide. If I could do so by trick turn of word, the more I reveled in my cleverness after having gotten away. But the oath was a strange twist of nobleness and corruption with me. I would lie often unless I began a statement with "I promise" or "I swear" because I was not about to let my yes be yes and my no be no when there were things to be had otherwise. And it was horrible that such qualifiers were needed for me to be honest, for I was not a lover of Truth at that time, though shoots were apparently sprouting. This promising signified a respect and honor for Truth which then I would not be able to explain. It was in dire moments when others did not believe my promises that I would swear by your name, as if on pains of death that I spoke not falsely. By the same strange twist, in one sense it showed a disrespect and looseness with your name, and by another an acknowledgment of you as somehow connected to Truth and life.
I must resign for now if I am to have any energy for the work that is required of me tomorrow. It is also the feast day of your beloved Apostle Luke, the Evangelist. The Church will no doubt be rejoicing what wonders and goodness you worked through him in life and after through his writings. And morning prayer is a great good in my life, though the time is not. There is much more to be said, that can be said, and some of this I have already laid before you and asked forgiveness, but I know through my baptism in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost that I have been forgiven of them all, spoken or not, for I have had a turning of a new conscience towards you, and so have categorically dismissed all that is proper to the name sin. Still, I feel closer to you, and believe there is more instruction and good to be had in deliberating on what those things are, so that I might become more astounded by what I have been forgiven of, and be more amazed at how far I have fled from my wanton ways, guided by you through the wilderness. For just as Christ was baptized and immediately tossed into the wilderness, where he was both ministered to and tempted, so have I been.
May the Peace of the Lord Be with You,
Gregory Blake
