Dream Remix

September 9th, 2007. I had a horrible dream that day. The kind so wonderful that when you awake you want nothing more than to destroy your life in hopes that you'd inhabit the one in your mind. How silly. Especially for one so devoid of details, of plot, character development. It wasn't really even a great story now that I think about it. But I was so attached to it that my whole day was ruined by it. And the next several days.

Today, April 29, 2010. The same thing has occurred. Although it was a nap dream that did me in. Now my mind fears dreams, and my emotions cannot wait. I do not like my mind playing such tricks on me. It is not impure, unjust, nor evil in anyway, merely unlikely. And as such the hope that remains in me is backhanded by the cruel awareness of reality.

Cruel Tales
September 9th, 2007

I wait for it readily
My dreams in guise
Why won't they come to me
Pour the sand into my eyes
Watch carefully
Both minds fighting for its love
Promises never kept
Surreptitiously
Tricking me while I slept
With the things never to be
Both hurt and soothe
Why not hand me both? How I need them both -
On those cold shores I lie
Unable to move or cry out loud
Descending silently
A dark angel in shroud
And kisses me softly
What am I to do?
Before the embrace can come
Awake to heart anew
Breaks without those cold, dark shores

Restlessly gliding through life
Dreams consume me
Grant wishes, nightmarish wife
If only a way I plea
For these cruel tales
Without any end in sight
Could be wrought with details
Manifest tonight
Come down to be my seer
If our worlds can collide
Then don't leave me alone to drown here
On those cold shores I lie
Unable to move or cry out loud
Descending silently
A dark angel in shroud
And kisses me softly
What am I to do?
Before the embrace can come
Awake to heart anew
Breaks without those cold, dark shores
And here I stand amongst
The terror rips my minds' seams
Choosing eternity of angst
Over the dream
The winged one I love
Who's touch breathes life into me
And the hand I'd rather shove
Then feel the desire by the sea
Why won't it leave me alone
If reality would only die
I could live this lie

I am not on a beach this time, nor is it the same person. But the relations of things and persons are all the same, both in and out of the dream. I wish it would go away. I hope it will not return. I'd rather be numb then feel such things.


Tomorrow is my last day at Wesley. Soon I will leave for Durham. I like to pretend it's another fresh start, but experientially speaking that won't change much. Another place, more of the same people. It won't make a difference. People are the same everywhere, and my ways regarding the cause of this dream have not changed. The patient may play amidst dreams, but the doctor will keep him sedated during the day, lest his sorrowful sickness rub off on everything else inside me.

I've grown so tired of people asking me to will an emotion, or show more emotion, and tell them what I'm feeling. Truth is, my emotions have never given me anything of worth. They are rotten and destructive, self-pitying, nihilistic, pathetic, weak.

I am not excited.
I am not encouraged.
I am not hyped.
And I don't give a rat's ass about it.

I have peace and joy.
And these things are not emotional, but spiritual.
There are no goosebumps or hairs being raised,
no 'oooh' and 'ahhh.'
Peace, be still.
And stillness I have.
I am calm, I am collected.
My emotions are of desire.
I desire to know.
And that is sufficient for now.

And since the patient will not listen to reason, one must beat him with his own devices. Be brutal to him in word so that he will shut up long enough to go back to sleep.

I'm just babbling furiously at this point, which only shows me again how fruitful my emotions can be. Rotten.

Cleaning Time

Mind release. Not a reader. Just me practicing memory recall for fun and to clear out the 'ole noggin' so I can pass out.

8:20. Crap.
Poptarts. Again? Oh snap, strawberry.
Ramen. Seriously? Yyyup.
More talks? [forced blackout]
[aware again] No idea what those words mean.
I don't speak that lingo.
Ok I understand these words.
What a funny couple.
These are good talks.
I hate forced dance parties.
I love dancing on my own accord though.
I like these people's talks.
Why am I such a sucker?
Wish I could control my emotions.
I could use prayer from all four of these people,
even if one is fond of fallacies.
Ok two is good enough.
I got a negative c-c-combo in decent human being points yesterday.
I need to write that down.
Meetings: the only time you can say you're working when you're not and get away with it.
No amount of decorations will change someone's mind.
I really hope I don't have to stand here and wait.
I hate inefficiency and waiting when I'm involved in an activity.
Why am I going to be here 45 minutes early for something that will take 5 minutes?
It is gorgeous outside today.
Music time.
No parking? Jump the curb. Urban mudding!
Ramen, bleh.
Ramen, mmm.
Ping-pong net got four feet higher.
This was fun for about two minutes.
I'm texting and winning. Stupid variation.
Why am I on game three?
I need an oil change and a tire rotation.
When should I leave?
I have the prayer room to myself. Wow.
I can use my prayer beads and not worry about people asking questions.
I kind of want to be at Emmanuel for Easter.
Your face wants to be at Emmanuel.
Owned.
Wish I was better at communicating like a normal person.
I might know what to say if I could.
Man it's hot out here.
Hotter than a--wait, can't say that anymore.
This time last year I had a nasty mouth.
That's the first time I've had to actively control it in a while.
Great, no nap time in between work and event. Coffee.
This place is full of pornographic movies and magazines.
What kind of gas station have I walked into?
These guys' pants are hanging off their asses.
They're standing like upside down V's just so they don't hit their ankles.
I don't care about clothes or fashion until it becomes uncomfortable. Dumb.
And my gas overflows out of the tank again.
What if it ignited and blew this place up?
What? I need to be there an hour early now? Dumb.
Left my lugnuts at the shop. Looks like I'm gonna be there 45 early after all.
I put a bag of lettuce and tomatoes into a pan and loaded up coke, cups, and plates.
Done in 5 minutes.
We're setting on the couches.
Why was I here 45 minutes early?
Could be napping.
This is going to be awkward.
Why is a 70 year old man sucking up to me?
This pizza isn't too bad.
Wait, this is the third day I've eaten pizza. Enough already.
Man, I don't know how to preface this.
So, this is a gorefest. Enjoy.
Oh and I think I'm supposed to guilt trip you into believing. Enjoy.
I would have popped a gasket if someone tried this on me four years ago.
The Muslim is going to think this is shameful; I hope I can help him.
And action.
I hope they can keep up with the captions.
Well this is sad.
Ugh, what'd you guys think.
Why is this guy taking over what I'm in charge of?
Why is he rambling about non-sense?
Ooook, any questions or comments? What'd you guys think about the movie.
Annnd now he's saying the same exact thing all over again.
Yeah they're not going to understand your idiomatic expressions.
They're international.
I wish you would stop.
This is a nightmare.
Stab me someone.
Alright time to go. Who wants leftover pizza?
Why are there twelve people around one sink?
Time to rip a joke.
Ah, the real you shows.
Decorations equals more work.
Pretty? Yes. Helpful? No.
I'm not cut out for this.
I don't speak this way.
Sometimes I don't agree with these tactics,
in a moral or practical sense.
I did the same thing yesterday.
I've got to stop doing things with which I disagree.
Hanging out seems like fun.
I've been irritated with this whole event.
Could use some friend time.
I love these people.
I'm exhausted.
Third night the moon has been so huge.
It's been getting more orange every night, and it's waning now.
I should stare out at it and do some writing like I used to.
No wait, I'm exhausted.
I can't sleep.
I should write my thoughts just to clear them out.
8:20. Crap.