Música Para Mi Alma

The word is all around me,
I taste it on my tongue.
It flows like the great sea,
from souls I hear it sung.

Tell me what you'd have me do,
I'll tend to your beautiful rose.
My mind wanders for you,
I never know to where it goes.

It saturates the world about me,
how it bothers me so.
I having nothing left with to plea,
so why don't you say "Hello?"

I hear it in the wind,
I long to feel it in my wings.
If my heart you would mend,
I'd reclaim my angels and dust and rings.

I'm beaten, broken, and sore,
my spirit has forgotten how to fly.
I've asked you time and time before,
but I'm left high and dry.

I'm tired of contradiction,
the Spirit speaks of truth.
What shall I do with this prediction?
Other than say it's emotion's sleuth.

My soul hears it in this music,
but only in my dream's show.
As I'm drifting off to sleep,
how it charms me so.

I hear the Saints now praying,
please bring mine to His throne.
Help stop me from straying,
I'm tired of saying "If I had only known."

Now you say I need to chase,
before you said he'd meet me here.
Enough push and pull with grace.
And you wonder like I look austere.

I hear it on the ocean;
I feel it in the waves.
I know its all around me,
and see how it saves.

I get a 'word' to give up my ways,
another to see them through.
I can't give this prophecy praise,
when I see both can't be true.

Can't ignore your falsehood,
that gift isn't within.
I know you meant good,
so no need for chagrin.

I hear You whisper to me,
as I strain to hear.
And if You tell me what to do,
to that alone I shall adhere.

Incoherence

I'd like to slip into your thoughts,
like a lucid dream I'd walk around,
looking for what Beauty lies there.
I have glimpsed it in some of you,
and my dives have left curiosity in its wake.

But I cannot stroll around your minds.
It must suffice for you to paint me a portrait.
Of meadows, mermaids, or mercury--
whatever helps me to understand.
But our method must be careful,
I cannot take all of the whispers,
raising to yelps of joy and fear.
It sounds like jibberish, chatter,
great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

I imagine Hell as a place of incoherence.
A room piled with bodies,
some lying some leaping, none really care which,
of those who wished no part of God in life,
and receives such in the one after.
It is full of depravity, vice, sickness,
and most notably--
incoherence.
They know not of their neighbor's existence,
each crying out, shouting, laughing.
Sheer insanity, their words and gestures,
habits from a world nearly forgotten.
Motion without meaning-- like hellish automatons.
Their state of being is incomprehensible,
due to their incoherent behaviors.

So, when we all stand together,
yet each speaks independently,
raising volumes become yells,
cries, and I know not,
if some are weeping or rejoicing,
I think I've fallen into that dark chasm.
Every moment elongated, madness sets in,
as if a wind of blackness has swooped in,
to put out the wisp of my candle's light.
I can't focus on any one person,
I no longer know their intent,
I cannot discern what they are doing,
all I can sense is a growing noise.
Incoherence.

So I flee.
Forsake me not,
nor think me ill-willed toward you,
for I know your ends are well-meant.
But I cannot stand isolation in a full room,
I feel more separated from God then,
then any other time.
I begin to imagine ludicrous things,
either I have been forsaken,
or that we believe in two different gods.
I leave to find Him again,
to silence the movement to chaos.
For I believe God promotes a sense of Harmony,
and that which moves to otherwise,
is thought Beautiful by the incoherent.

And for those that are offended by my departure,
but ask not for my reason,
what am I to do?
When I tell you we can talk about it,
but you walk away,
what shall I do?
For you have forsaken me,
judged me,
and not sought to understand first,
but rather to condemn.
I cannot be "together" in a room of individuals,
for none of their words might edify the church,
since you all speak to God,
but do so alone,
and not with your brothers and sisters.
There is time to be alone,
and time for community,
and we mustn't mix inconsistent qualities,
lest we become,
incoherent.

Soothesayers

To defy, demean your own declared call,
deny foundation in circles you run, to play children's game.
Passionate storm of speakers, the squall of thralls,
Too zealous, jealous, to shout and bout, instigate the flame.

To act, attack, to smile and walk a mile across unknown landscape.
Call it the fire, divine desire, but it still looks like imagination to me.
Poor allusion, delusion conclusion, a soul with malformed shape.
Obscure word, definition absurd, equivocation won't let me be.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc, flock seeks exception to be its rock.
Lies and falsehoods painted in hope, nightshade and smokescreen.
Creatures of habit, seeking the Abbot,
but to their lives' ends they make Him their means.

Another Love Dialogue [scattered addenda]

Acario: Eros, eros, eros, how you annoy me so.

Alyssa: You've gone over this a hundred times, but still a hundred more is required until it sinks into your thick skull.

Acario: So be it. Where shall we begin?

Alyssa: With a definition of course. Eros is that love which desires something that the individual is lacking.

Acario: Fine and dandy. So let's spell it out and all its implications.

Alyssa: If you obtained what it is you lacked the eros would cease to be.

Acario: So if I like a woman and I get her then I cease to like her?

Alyssa: That depends on what it is you like about the woman.

Acario: Well I tend to be attracted to a beautiful face first. That gives the inspiration to look into the soul for something better.

Alyssa: If looking at a beautiful face is only useful insofar as it motivates you to look to the soul, then what is it you really are looking for?

Acario: Beauty of the soul.

Alyssa: And what of this Beauty? What is it?

Acario: It is Divine. The particular participates in it, but is not it.

Alyssa: And if something participates in a thing but is not that thing, then what is it that you truly desire?

Acario: Whatever that thing is which the particular participates in. The Divine. God.

Alyssa: And what of the common view of Beauty? Is it true it is in the eye of the beholder? What if I was to say that person is beautiful and you said they are not -- what would we conclude?

Acario: Well, let's start off by assuming it is in the eye of the beholder.

Alyssa: Good, good...

Acario: Now I suppose people can mean this in two different ways, both being a form of relativism. The first is that the person is beautiful because you say she is. But she's also not beautiful because I say so. This would obviously be a contradiction, so we musn't say that reality is dictated by our perceptions since it is contradictory to the object we both perceive to suggest such a hypothesis. The second is that the person is beautiful to you according to your perception within your own mind, and in mine she is not. Something seems wrong with this too.

Alyssa: And what do we do with this second option then? Seemingly wrong isn't enough to disregard it as a logical possibility.

Acario: Well as an implication it would seem that we couldn't talk about a particular being beautiful.

Alyssa: And why do you say this? Can the particular not be beautiful to me and not to you in our respective minds?

Acario: From a common sense perspective I think most would want to say yes. Yet, wait...let's assume that is the case. We clearly have two different definitions of beautiful and fall victim to equivocation when talking. The problem is that we think we're understanding one another when we say beautiful but we're clearly not. So it would seem to say beauty is in the eye of the beholder in this second sense becomes a nonsense comment because we both understand it differently.

Alyssa: Not bad, but you still seem to have missed something.

Acario: Oh?

Alyssa: So what if there is equivocation. Say I decide that my definitions build my world, including you and your opinions of Beauty.

Acario: Well then I would be determining the person as being both beautiful and not beautiful once again. The only way to get out of this contradiction is to change the place, that is the beauty is not in the particular but in the observers' minds. So it cannot be that you determined such things through some sort of solipsist turn because then you have assigned beautiful by what you perceive of as yourself and not beautiful as what you perceive to be me (as a solipsist) to the particular, both falling inside the same thing within the same time.

Alyssa: What if I think this world is an illusion created by my perception and you have your own version?

Acario: We're finding very silly ways to say the same things now aren't we?

Alyssa: Not quite. In the first problem we posed the problem of solipsism on such truth claims about a particular, now we pose the problem of the relativist.

Acario: Ahh, I suppose I shouldn't have labeled both as relativist ways of looking at it then. Well, fair enough. Given this hypothesis then when you look at the person and say "beautiful" I'm simply going to say "what person?"

Alyssa: And why is this?

Acario: Because we live in different worlds. If our worlds are built up by perceptions alone then we cannot perceive the same object, for that would suppose some thing exists independent of our perceptions which is constant and which our perceptions do not form but merely observe.

Alyssa: Not bad. Warming up are we? Shaking off some of the rust?

Acario: Trying to, it's very difficult.

Alyssa: No matter, it's not bad for now. Now, shall we reroute back to the main topic?

Acario: Yes please.

Alyssa: So you say you see this Beauty in a person and you want it.

Acario: Painfully so.

Alyssa: And it is Divine, something of Theos?

Acario: Yes.

Alyssa: And how do you claim to know such things?

Acario: A desire is always of something and not nothing. It necessitates an object by its very definition., for it is "something" that we lack. And through interaction with the person I first see Beauty in body. It is but a mere shadow though. It motivates me to want to see the soul of the person.

Alyssa: And how do you think you see Beauty in a particular's soul?

Acario: I don't know. There's something indescribable there.

Alyssa: Come come now. I thought we were here to philosophize, not give excuses when ignorance finds us.

Acario: I see something in the eyes, in the actions, the words, behavior -- I watch and listen in ways that I never tell the person. I analyze them but I'm not sure what it is.

Alyssa: Is the self one or many?

Acario: Both.

Alyssa: Explain.

Acario: We can both desire and not desire a thing simultaneously. This would be a contradiction given it occurred in the same thing at the same time. Yet it occurs.

Alyssa: And what solution do you propose for this problem?

Acario: Separation of parts: intellect, emotion, appetites, and the will.

Alyssa: Good. And what do we do with these parts?

Acario: We must find a way to order them.

Alyssa: And what does proper ordering approach?

Acario: The Divine.

Alyssa: And why not something else?

Acario: All things are insofar as they are of Him. All their being is gotten from Him. There is nothing else to approach. Harmony is God-like, any action towards something otherwise is chaotic, which seeks to destroy order and eventually structure. If a thing were capable of approaching this something else it would find there is nothing to approach and if it achieved goals of improper ordering and even destruction of structure, it would cease to be. If some other standard exists which was greater than this thing would be God, and if I supposed that I or something else was a better standard than I'm simply supposing that something greater can come from something lesser.

Alyssa: And what of the theory of natural selection and evolution? Does it not provide ample evidence for simple units creating complexity?

Acario: The biologists' definition of complexity simply means that basic units have combined with others in an order so as to produce new units. It is complex insofar as it has formed a new connection, e.g. amino acids becoming proteins, and thus is substantially greater but to say that it provides ample evidence for the formation of the word is ludicrous. It provides an alternate to the teleological argument for God's existence but this is by far the weakest argument the theologists has in his arsenal. It still is ineffective to describe first causes and principles, i.e. why basic units form together to begin with (why does there exist a nature that seeks to do so) and if they are contingent why they exist at all.

Alyssa: Substantially greater creations, how that sings to my soul. God's creation continually coming into being, ever closer to completion. But what of the human being and evolution?

Acario: Well, even the educated biologist will say that it is not greater in a true sense, merely more advantageous given the creatures circumstances.

Alyssa: So we are trying to approach God. Evolution clearly doesn't answer the question on how to go about this, though it does provide answers about God's creation in substance. What of form though?

Acario: These are the conceptual parts we saw must exist, to assume otherwise led to contradiction.

Alyssa: So, I'll ask again. What is it that you desire when you have eros for a woman?

Acario: God.

Alyssa: Good. Now, how should you act when in this sort of love?

Acario: I should cultivate the individual towards this Beauty.

Alyssa: Why do you speak as if you have a moral obligation?

Acario: Because I do. Christ's second commandment.

Alyssa: This commandment speaks of agape, not eros.

Acario: Oh. What is the difference?

Alyssa: Agape is selfless, unconditional, divine love.

Acario: So is it agape I really desire?

Alyssa: You tell me.

Acario: I think so. It is said God is Agape. If it's God I desire then it must also be Agape I desire.

Alyssa: Yes it must be, but do you fathom what it is you're suggesting?

Acario: I don't think I understand it though I say it.

Alyssa: Do you want something out of a person you have eros for?

Acario: Of course, you want the person to be your own and that they want you as their own.

Alyssa: Right. But as it is eros you shall never be satisfied in whole. You will continually love the other and they you until you might have what it is you both have truly sought, the Lord.

Acario: I don't see where this is going.

Alyssa: Hush now and listen then. It is not truly selfless love since you both want something for each other. Even though you both want the best for the other, your own desire also remains. This doesn't mean it is a bad thing, merely that you haven't reached a higher level yet, that of agape, which is selfless.

Acario: And how do I come to obtain agape?

Alyssa: Before you can understand this you must first understand proper eros.

Acario: Then teach me.

Alyssa: So I shall then, though I must profess I know little, and even that is uncertain at best.

Acario: I care not for your prefaces, just tell me what it is you think and I will wrestle with it.

Alyssa: So be it. You acknowledged that proper ordering is a Good. As a Christian it is your duty, and hopefully desire, to help others. While you might suffice with the attention of a lover you must prioritize your goals. The cultivation of the Beauty within the person must be first and foremost. Whether or not both are lovers or merely one is and the other only a beloved Good work may still be done and is commanded of you. Not that you would need such motivation such as a commandment when you are in love with this person.

Acario: Truthfully you speak.

Alyssa: The end of such cultivation would be that the person would become pregnant with Beautiful ideas. The self, consisting of all its parts, will be ordered in such a way so as that the person should be closer to God. As such they will be closer to the Good, they will become closer to Beauty, they will seek Truth, and they will become Lovers themselves. They will give birth to these ideas and begin to seek the Lord more than ever. You will glimpse God's work in the person, and they will become more Beautiful every day.

Acario: And yet we might still be left broken hearted.

Alyssa: Quite true. Yet it is only a symptom of eros having not reached some end.

Acario: What end? Eros of the Lord shall never end, for he is the unqualified infinite. I shall always desire him and never be fully satisfied. I shall sit by the throne forever yearning for more.

Alyssa: You sound disturbed by this. Do you not enjoy spending time with a lover?

Acario: Well, yes.

Alyssa: And you continue to want to be by them when truly in love?

Acario: Yes.

Alyssa: Then should it not be that to the nth degree? Eros in eternity is a state of bliss, not painful yearning.

Acario: Well then to what end should eros reach for?

Alyssa: The eros itself cannot reach agape. As you stated you might remain brokenhearted even after pouring out all of your being into another to cultivate Beauty within them. But this is not agape, for the pain is from one's selfish desire for the other to be their own.

Acario: It is the Beauty in them you want though. I thought we said this is the Lord.

Alyssa: Yes, they exceptionally participate in Beauty but the person is the Lord's, not yours. This doesn't mean your desire isn't noble, it simply means that you gave to another and remained thinking about your outcome for it. It isn't ignoble, but it isn't a perfect love either.

Acario: This is purely empirical, but it seems selfless love comes for but fleeting moments. Eventually we do something for ourselves. And by this I don't mean something like eating so we can stay alive, for this is out of necessity, rather I mean we do some contingent action for our desire and no other reason. How does one make agape a part of their being?

Alyssa: It is said God is Agape. We are commanded to agapao God and to agapao our fellow man, yet we seem stuck with eros and other forms of love like philia and stergo. Your eros is for agape, as you stated earlier. You want the Lord and you want to treat others with love and build them up for their own sake, yet you find yourself only capable of doing it at moments. This agape was fulfilled by Jesus Christ in his life, and we are called to be like Him. Perhaps at the end of sanctification we might achieve agape. But this is merely a way of shifting the question to "Then how do I reach the end of sanctification?"

Acario: My thought exactly.

Alyssa: It is a gift, dear boy. The Lord must bless you with agape. You cannot get to agape with agape, it's an infinite regress. You are trying to reach the Lord, which is Agape. If you already had it then you wouldn't need to be reaching for the Lord. Yet here you are crying out for it, thus you mustn't have it.

Acario: This doesn't quite seem solid though. It seems more like a posit and not a carefully worked out hypothesis made by working through contradictory ideas.

Alyssa: You seem to have missed the turn then.

Acario: Ok, can we run back through what just happened then please?

Alyssa: Por supuesto. You say you cultivate Beauty in another because it is of the Lord and because it is a Good thing to do.

Acario: Yes.

Alyssa: And that this is done because of eros' motivation, which is to obtain something you lack.

Acario: Yes.

Alyssa: So you lack the Lord.

Acario: Of course.

Alyssa: And the Lord is Agape?

Acario: Yes--ahhhh...Gotcha'.

Alyssa: So you see, you lack Agape. It is a divine love which we all yearn for. From an empirical standpoint it seems impossible to obtain since we constantly fail. But the stronger point is that if you yearn for it then you do not have it, and yearning for a thing does not make you obtain it, action must be had. Furthermore, the only way to obtain it is through the Lord since He is it. Thus, it must be a gift He gives to us and not something we can obtain on our own. The point of uncertainty here is whether or not God sees your eros and it somehow determines whether or not He decides to grace you with Agape.

Acario: How can I yearn a thing for myself which makes me yearn for the Lord and for others though? It seems like wanting to not want, a contradictory?

Alyssa: Well there's a clear distinction in temporality. The wanting is now but the having would be later. Now as an informal contradiction upon receiving said gift the desire for it would leave since you have what it is you yearned for. However, God is many things since he is the infinite, this doesn't say eros leaves altogether, as you said earlier, "[you] shall sit by the throne forever yearning for more." As we said, eros doesn't yearn for a thing once it receives it. Agape is a type of love that a human can experience, though absolute knowledge of God is not. Eros takes a step back and allows Agape to lead in one way, yet retains in another way, since each of the loves operates differently even though towards the same persons.

Acario: And what of the meantime? How does one cope with unrequited love?

Alyssa: You must be calm, be patient, in the moments it is hardest pray that you might have a moment of agape. As it is said, agape is kind, patient, it isn't jealous, and so on. Remember you are trying to build a balance which God will see and love, and choose to use as a conduit for his work. One way is to cultivate Beauty in another.

Acario: I know, but I had forgotten. As you said though the person will become more Beautiful every day. It will only seem to get worse.

Alyssa: Only if you stay in the mentality of your own desires. It will have to suffice to see the Lord has worked marvels in their life. As for your own desire for the person, there is nothing you can do about it, and it doesn't matter.